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Always pray with and
for one another
When we got married, there are not two but
three that got united, the husband, the wife and Jesus. He is there in the
middle always. Marriage will never work. It was not designed for sinners. When
you got married, you married a sinner. The only way it will work is to pray
without ceasing. This is the only place in our spirituality that does not
operate by grace alone. Everything in marriage will tend downwards, towards
degeneration and separation. You will always need to work on your marriage.
There is no resting in marriage for once you rest, it begins to break down
already. The work in marriage is primarily of prayer. Set a time each day to
pray together and then later, include your children. And then also, always
secretly pray for your spouse and each of your kids every day. When your spouse
is asleep, lay your hand on him/her in secret and unleash the power of God for
holiness and courage, for joy and blessings and for union and communion. When
your kids are sleeping, each night, secretly come over and kiss him/her and
whisper a prayer, for him/her to grow to love Jesus and also that God will
provide for the future a godly spouse, who will hold his/her hand to journey
together towards holiness and joy. Prayer of course is not a work of the flesh
(dictating to God). You must learn to pray in the Holy Spirit. Read the Psalms
every day and learn each one by heart. No one learns to pray apart from the
Psalms. See the discussion on the Psalms at the end.
Always grow in the
opposite direction
You married your opposite. You were
attracted to the opposite sex, opposite temperament, opposite strengths. Your
spouse completes you. Opposites give us depth, more color and complete our
perspective. That is why growth or maturity is always in the opposite
direction. If you are so work oriented and have shallow relationships, you need
to grow more in relationship. If you are so spontaneous and random and
creative, you will need to grow more in becoming more stable, more orderly, and
more predictable. If you are so opposite each other give the other some room.
Never let your strength be used to put down the other. Of course, your spouse
is weak and slow when it comes to matters on your strong side, this is because
you are opposite. But then you are also slow and weak on your spouse’s strong
side. From your vantage point you will always see things you want to criticize
about in your spouse. Strengths and spiritual gifts were never meant to be used
to put down others but to be used to lift up, for you to come down and be a
servant in humility using your strength.
Always share what is
in your past
marriage is a growing revelation. As days
pass, your spouse will grow in his/her knowledge of you. Do it slowly and prayerfully.
Write in your journal always things you have discovered about yourself and you
want your spouse to know and in special occasions or moments, for just a few
minutes, come along his/her side and tell your past, not everything at once,
but just a vignette, reserve some for another time. Once understood, raise it
up in prayer together. Some people have past traumas that may need expert
counseling. If you cannot understand or manage it, ask if you need to see a
counselor. We learned to relate from our home where we grew up. Those
relational styles and approaches need to be labeled and acknowledged,
especially wrong relational styles designed to hurt others. When we were
children, like all children, we learned to survive (fight or flight). When
faced with an angry or aloof dad, we learned to cope by being angry also or
(the opposite) becoming aloof (whatever will work vis a vis our dad). We can be
sure that we are an improvement of our parents’ style. We now have more help
and more knowledge. We can do better. Some however have learned and acquired
good habits from their parents or homes while growing up. If you married such a
person, marriage is the time to do re-parenting, to change your style and to
learn how to relate the right way by studying your spouse. No one is normal but
one spouse can be more normal than the other. The one who is more normal should
be held as the standard. Do not say, “don’t change me, I was born this way.”
Always see who has the better way of relating. If both of you came from a
really good family or home, then you are truly blessed. This is perhaps the
best way to choose a spouse – find one who has a good family, a nourishing
home, and where intimacy grows. But if God gave you someone who grew up in a
bad home or family, if you accept that willingly as from God then it can also
be a blessing. The church has often been compared with marriage and the church
is like a hospital, full of sick people. The hope of harmony and cooperation is
slim but God knows this and this is why Jesus died on the cross for us. Of
course, some spouses have a Messiah complex, always wanting to suffer as a
masochist and the more he/she suffers from the other spouse, the prouder he/she
becomes. This is wrong and this is perhaps due to past trauma that needs also
lots of counseling.
Never let the other
guess what is going on with you or inside you
Marriage should never be a guessing game.
You cannot let your spouse read your mind. No matter how loving and attentive
your spouse is, it is never fair to demand that he/she knows what is in your
heart or your mind. Your spouse is not a mind-reader. You must practice always
sharing what is in your heart. Learn the right words and the right expressions
and do it prayerfully so that it can bless and not cause more pain. If you are
already very tired and you feel the situation is so unfair, don’t wait for
things to explode because your spouse does not seem to notice. Also, don’t
demand that after you have shared, things will become fair and just. If your
spouse is just too much of a jerk to see that it is unfair and ungodly on
his/her part, even after you have shared, don’t make that a source of conflict
but a cause for more prayer. It is almost always the case that you married a
spouse who will hurt you. No one is perfect but through marriage we will grow
to become like Christ. Always share what is in your heart also, including your
dreams and pains. Some are so afraid to share their dream for buying a house
because it might not come true and they will appear to be a failure. Some also
do not want to express their sorrow or grief. Please know this that when we
lose a love one, it is best that the spouses grieve together and this means,
they share each other’s sorrow, talk about their pains from the loss. Surprise
the other that you know his/her heart and you care and you have been paying
attention.
Always discuss with
each other what marriage is all about
Biblical marriage is not about happiness
but about becoming like Christ, it is not about independence but about interdependence
(dependent people say, “I need you but you don’t need me.” Independent people
say, “you need me but I don’t need you.” And interdependent people say, “ I
need you and you need me.” Only independent people can build community because
only they can surrender their freedom and lower their egos. Freedom does not
mean you can have your way. Maturity is rather defined as being set free to
live for others, to be a man or woman for others. Marriage is a biblical
institution and it was God’s idea to have marriage. It is for life and for one
spouse only. We don’t get married to become happy, we get married to bless the
other spouse. Marriage is where we work out our salvation. It is like in heaven
where the spoons are one meter long. You cant the get the food into your mouth
with it but you can easily get the food into the mouth of the other with it.
Marriage is learning how you can eventually live in heaven, by faith and not by
sight. And love is agape – a self giving sacrificial love. The opposite of love
is not hate but selfishness. Marriage only works when both are willing to die
to self. C. S. Lewis said, in the last days, nothing will resurrect that has
not died. Jesus said, if you seek to have your life, you will lose it but if
you lose your life for His sake, you will gain it. There must be continual
dialogue about marriage and how marriage will make the spouses become more like
Christ.
Never make money be
an issue
In our marriage, we early on realized that
I was not going to make a good manager of our money and so we both agreed that
she will handle the money and I will just get an allowance from her. She was
obviously better with managing money and was also more concerned (more worried)
with money matters. It was my job to make sure she was not burdened by her
worries with money and a good start was for me not to manage our money because
I tend to over spend. But spouses need to be careful too about giving the other
too much freedom. You cannot trust the other too much. There must be a way to
make things fair when a conflict arises. If the husband suddenly runs away with
another woman, it can be devastating for the wife who does not have any money.
Some wives too can be sneaky in a worse way than an adulterous husband but this
is rare in our society so it is best for the husband to make a concession in
this matter: make the money and properties be held in such a way that the wife
will not be placed at a disadvantage when a conflict arises. A bank account in
the name alone of the husband can be devastating to the wife when the husband
is unfaithful to her. She will be completely helpless. She cannot even sue
because she has no money. In a normal setting, both spouses must manage their
money together and complement each other so their money grows. The two must
always discuss how they can save and invest their money wisely. Savings are
never to be touched no matter what. It is not your money, it belongs to your
future (to buy a house or to pay your child’s college tuition).
Always let conflict
be a source for growing up
You cannot avoid conflicts. But you can
always use conflicts to grow up and become more mature. After each conflict,
always sit down and talk about it and lift it up in prayer. Conflicts can make
you sour and resentful. It can fester and make the spouses gradually drift
apart (especially when you don’t talk about it afterwards). You must always be
on guard against it becoming a festering wound. Conflict often is an eye
opener, to show you things that need improvement in your own life. And conflict
can lead to more intimacy also, as you come together in humility, ask for
forgiveness and be restored to each other’s arms. In case of a deadlock, it is
the husband who must break the tie. The husband must be the first to call a
truce and ask that both come to the altar to pray. You must also learn to
define your fighting stance. Some are just outright brutes, lashing out and
screaming. Others are subtle, giving you the silent treatment. Teach each other
how to spot these conflicts ahead of time in order to create an early warning
system just like in an earthquake or a typhoon. I always have a hard time
seeing i have been hurt. I only know because i am already fighting back. Also
teach your spouse how to disarm your anger before it goes out of control. When
in a fight, I always feel more hurt when my wife walks away (because she wants
to give me space, respectfully). This is difficult for her because she cannot
understand why I would want her close beside me when I don’t like her. There
will be issues you will never solve or never agree on, agree to disagree.
Remember that there are not just two sides to a problem, there are many sides
and things are more complicated than you think and once you have realized the
many dimensions of it, then you will relax a bit and not be so demanding. Mark
them off as things you may never solve and commit them to prayer. Don’t believe
your spouse when he/she says, I have always been this way, or I have always
done things this way, since I can remember (as though saying, I can never
change, even God cannot change me, for I was born this way, and I will die this
way). Losing is not bad either. We learn more from losing than from winning.
Spouses are not experts in marriage. They never took up a course in marriage in
college either. So there will be lots of times when things are beyond their
ability to solve. You can either just improvise along the way like the Marines
do or you can consult a marriage counselor. Don’t believe you have what it
takes to solve a conflict especially when it has grown too painful. Seek help.
Finally, our testimony is not that we never fight but that after we fight we
forgive and reconcile. Jesus tells us to forgive 70 x 7 times.
Children are always
the work of the two parents
Both parents need to complement each other
to produce the best kids, and not destroy each other or compete with each
other. Parenting is the best part of marriage, it’s also the most taxing. When
you have kids, reduce your activities a bit so you can have time to be with
your family. When kids are below 6 years old, they need their mom the most.
After that, it’s all dad’s work. As long as the kids want you and want to go
with you, always take them along. A time will come when they wont anymore. At
teenage time, they wont like you anymore. You are at the bottom of the list of
most influential people in their lives by that time (tops will be media and
peers and less influential are parents). Both parents must have a common
strategy for parenting. Kids can make marriage hell when they divide the
parents, to take sides. Insanity is hereditary says Erma Bombeck, you inherit
it from your kids. Kids grow up well when their parents know how to get along,
know how to fight and make up, and know how to grow together in intimacy.
Always say you love
your spouse
The cruel joke is right on target: the
husband tells her wife why he does not have to say, “I love you.” “I said I
love you at our wedding day and I have not changed my mind.” Each spouse must
always say, “I love you” to each other and always find ways to show it, each
day. The couple must always aim to build higher, better and stronger love each
time. The goal is to find what will really touch the other spouse and it’s a
game of discovery. Will she like chocolate, will she like a new dress, or
flowers, etc.? I guess my wife likes it most when I initiate and arrange that
we go visit her parents. I think also because the bible says the husband is to
leave his parents when he gets married but does not say, the wife is to leave
her parents. I don’t want it to come from her. I always go ahead of her and
make sure that she never has to think about it. She knows I will always make
sure it happens. The bible says husbands are to love their wives, and be tender
with her. He is to always be thoughtful or be creative about how to make her
smile. (Please note that the bible says, if the husband does not treat her wife
this way, God will not answer his prayers.) I am sure the wife can do better
than the husband can in expressing her love to him. My wife tells me it is has
been a long time since I went fishing (meaning, its about time I went
again…yehey!). Of course if she says it too often, you need to suspect. It may
mean she does not want you around anymore or she is seeing another man. If you
want to make your life difficult as a husband, come regularly to your wife in
your intimate moments and ask her, “Alam mo ba mahal kita, naramdaman mo ba?”
never read your
spouse’s love letters from God
in the bible, God says, the husband is to
love his wife as Christ loved the church. this is a tall order. It will make
your husband faint. The bible also says the wife is to submit to her husband
and do so with so much trust and calmness. The thing to remember is to read
only your side, your own love letter from God to you. The love letter of God to
your spouse is not your business. Just concentrate on your letter. This is the
rule: when it all depends on you, your volition, your strength, then make it
your goal. If it depends on the other’s volition or participation, don’t make
it a goal but make it a prayer instead. For example, is it a goal to have a
happy marriage? No, because it depends for its success on your spouse’s
cooperation. But what can you make as your goal? You can make your goal for
example, to be a godly husband to your wife. This is dependent only on you and
even if she does not cooperate, you can still succeed. You can’t make it your
goal that your spouse respects you because it depends entirely on him/her for
it to happen.
sex
never use sex as a leverage against your
spouse (if he/she will not make me happy, I will not have sex with him/her).
Sex is instead to be used to resolve conflict, to reconcile, and break an
impasse. Sex is too fragile to be used as a weapon. The moment you think you
need to make sex really enjoyable, your sex life begins to deteriorate. Any
pressure on sex will kill it quickly. Sex has to be open, honest,
non-threatening and slowly and nonchalantly entered into. You can have wild
spontaneous sex like in the movies but don’t expect that to be a happy thing
for both sides or become a norm. the movies are bad examples of good sex. sex
is like baking bread, you have to wait for the dough to rise (in both male and
the female). Tell your wife before you leave for the office this morning, “hey,
you watch out, pretty girl, when I get back from the office, you better be
ready. I’m gonna eat you up. I will keep you awake the whole night.” Don’t
demand anything from sex, just let it be. If in the middle of the love-making
you sense your wife is not up to it, just let it go. Gently tell her to just
relax and may be just sing to her or hug her so tenderly until she falls asleep
or get up and get her ice cream (with your briefs on). You should be able to
talk about sex, what makes each one go and where to touch each other. You
should give clear signals but give room to do what the Marines sometimes do:
“abort”. Sex is really like playing. It’s not about winning. It’s about having
fun. Sex is also very sacred. It must be entered prayerfully.
The husband is the
head
He leads but it does not mean you are not
equal. In fact, as he is called to lead, he is also called to lose (in a way,
become less than equal). Leadership means servant-hood. The husband is the
stronger vessel because he is called to surrender more. The wife is called the
weaker vessel because she is called to receive more. The goal of headship is
that the couple will worship God together. Many couples forget to worship
because they have become too busy with business or kids. The husband is to make
sure the family worship and that means the family is always spiritually,
emotionally, physically and psychologically up to it. Even in the midst of
starvation, sickness or poverty, the couple can worship. How to make this
happen will take all that he’s got. If he has been a jerk all along, it will be
difficult for the wife to really embrace his leadership in worship. If he has a
really evil wife too, no matter what he does, won’t make worship happen.
There is a story about a couple who went to see their pastor about an imminent divorce. The husband looked really upset. The pastor was at a loss what to say. He asked what the problem was. The husband said he wanted to divorce her because he was angry with her. The pastor quickly flipped his bible to the page where it said….”love your wife.” He turned to the man, what do you think of that? The man got even angrier. “i don’t consider her my wife anymore,” he said. The pastor again flipped the pages of his bible and said, “look here, it says, love your neighbor. Your closest neighbor is your wife.” The husband bursts, shouting, “I don’t love her, I absolutely hate her, she is my enemy. Not giving up, the pastor quickly flipped the pages of his bible and again said, “Look, it says here, love your enemies.”
The Psalms
God gave us the Psalms to help us to pray.
It is the only part of the Bible where man talks to God instead of God talking
to man. It is like the Holy Spirit has been swallowed up by a human being and
then digested. He goes inside the intestines and then out the anus as poop.
Once out, the poop becomes the Psalms. Through the process, He enters into the
heart of the person, into his/her deepest pains and traumas, and experiences
all his/her humanity, frailness and sin. And it comes out as a prayer, a poem
and a song, all in one. Yes, the Psalm is a prayer foremost. It gives us the
right words to say especially when we have run out of words to say. But it
gives us words that are lyrical and harmonious, like a poem to help us bring
out the most difficult prayers. To top it all, the whole prayer/poem has a
melody, so even if it does not sound like a coherent prayer, the Psalms give it
a form that easily wafts to heaven above. The Psalms enter our deepest part. If
you are angry, Psalms is murderous. If you are happy, Psalms is jubilant. If
you are sad, Psalms is depressed. The Psalms has entered our deepest humanity.
You can say bad things but when you say it to God it becomes divine. We cannot
say hateful things about others but if we say them to God, about how we hate
this man, how we want this man dead, it becomes a prayer. Whatever you say to
God, even things your pastor don’t like to hear, becomes a prayer. Psalms is
the most quoted part of the Old Testament in the New Testament. Jesus quotes it
very often. The Benedictine monks recite all 150 Psalms each month. N. T.
Wright believes that whole societies are discipled through the Psalms, read in
public worship each Sunday (for a thousand years). When we cant pray, the
Psalms lifts us up with the right words, poetic words, words with melodies, they
are able to dive deep into our innermost being, and express them to God.